Dear friends and family members,
I'm writing to inform you of exciting news: I'm coming out as transgender!
I've been dealing with this for a while, but I'm finally ready to share the news with everyone! I'm in the midst of a gender role transition; that means that my appearance, dress, voice, and so on will be changing to become more feminine. Starting today:
While I know that using a new name for someone and referring to them as female when you've known them as male your whole life is a big change, and I completely understand that old habits are hard to break and that slip-ups will occur, I request your best effort at doing so going forward. If you do happen to slip up, please don't be offended if I gently correct you. If you'd like to connect on Facebook, you can find my new profile at https://www.facebook.com/michelle.k.tilley, and you can email or instant message me (via Google Talk) at .
This may seem sudden, but I assure you that this is something I've been dealing with in some form or another for decades, and I've been working with medical professionals over the past year to help plan my transition and oversee my mental and physical well-being during this process. Also, please understand that, while this is of course a big change in my life, I'm still the same person you have come to know and love throughout our relationship together. That is not changing, nor are many of my hobbies, my opinions, or my awesome sense of humor.
This has been an extremely positive time for me, a time when I can finally stop pretending to be someone I'm not, and be a happier, healthier, and more genuine person. I can't overstate how excited I am to go through it with all of you in my life. I'm sure you have questions, so I've answered some common ones after this letter. Please reach out to me to talk more; I want to be open and honest, and I'm more than happy to talk about anything or answer any additional questions you may have.
Thank you so much for your support during this exciting time in my life.
Sincerely,
Michelle Katherine Tilley
I'm not sure I really understand. Mind explaining it in more detail?
Sure! For most of my life, I suffered from a condition known as gender dysphoria; I experienced a severe disconnect between the sex I was born as and what I felt my gender was. This disconnect can cause a lot of emotional stress, resulting in any number of problems in a person's life. People in this boat are part of a group of people known as "transgender," or "trans" for short.
Most trans people find that they are able to live happy and healthy lives if given the opportunity to live it out as the gender they identify as. To do so, I'm undergoing a gender transition. In such a transition, a person will generally use hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and other techniques in order to help change their body so it's more in line with one typically associated with their gender identity, and will generally change their dress, voice, mannerisms, name, and other outward appearances to match so that they can successfully live as that gender in society.
In January 2015, I started working with a licensed psychologist who specializes in gender-related issues and was officially diagnosed with gender dysphoria. In May of the same year, under her guidance and with the aid of an endocrinologist, and following the Standards of Care (which set guidelines for the diagnosis and treatment of gender dysphoric people), I started HRT.
So you're doing this because you want to be female?
No. I don't "want to be" female. I also don't "feel" female. I am female.
This is difficult for many people to grasp, because there aren't really any other experiences that are similar that they can relate to, and because so many people define "male" or "female" based solely on anatomy. There's a difference between your biological sex and your gender; the former is external, while the latter is internal. While most people have a sex and a gender that match up nicely, and so never experience gender dysphoria, that isn't the case for trans people. My body may not match (for now), but my sense of gender identity is just as unshakable, undeniable, and immutable as anyone else's.
Think about yourself; when did you first "know" you were male or female? You probably can't really answer; you just knew. It was the same for me; I have always "just known" I was female. However, as I grew older, I found that the normal pattern—that girls look one way and boys look another—didn't seem to apply to me for a reason I didn't understand. As I aged, it became more and more apparent that I was dealing with something other people weren't. For various reasons, I kept this all to myself, and eventually, like many trans people, learned to simply hide my true feelings.
As I mentioned previously, attempting to live life with a conflict between one's sex and gender identity is extremely detrimental for one's mental health. Furthermore, you can't change your gender identity—that's why it's called your gender identity! Countless attempts at conversion (or so called "reparative") therapies to "fix" trans people have proven ineffective at best and harmful at worst. Attempting to force someone to live in a way that isn't consistent with their identity results only in negative effects, and sometimes the results are tragic. The only safe and effective method for dealing with gender dysphoria, proven time and time again, is for the person suffering from it to live their life as the gender they identify as.
And so here we are. :)
Is this anything like Caitlyn Jenner?
Remember that Caitlyn is a media celebrity, and like many celebrities, what we see of her life doesn't reflect reality for most of us. My story is likely considerably different in many ways than hers. And, just so you don't think I'm "following a fad," I was dealing with this long before Caitlyn's transition ever hit the airwaves.
But, from a high level, yes—Caitlyn Jenner is also a male-to-female transsexual.
Wait, "transsexual?" I'm confused—I thought you said that this didn't have to do with sex.
"Transgender" is actually an umbrella term for anyone whose gender identity, gender expression, or behavior does not conform to that typically associated with the sex to which they were assigned at birth; transsexuals are a specific category of transgender people who seek to alter their bodies to match their gender identity via hormone replacement therapy and/or surgery. However, since it often has an unfortunate connotation due to the fact that it contains the word "sex," the term "transsexual" has largely fallen out of favor in modern conversation.
Okay. What's the proper way to refer to you?
One should simply refer to trans people, like everyone else, as the gender they identify as—so I would simply be a woman. However, when necessary to get more specific, the most common descriptive noun is "trans woman," the adjectives "trans" or "transgender" (no "-ed" at the end). The term that describes the process I'm going through is a "transition," or, as a verb, I'm "transitioning."
A few terms that are absolute no-nos include: "tranny," "she-male," "shim," "he-she," "s/he," "TGirl," or "it."
How should I refer to you in the past?
Simply use my current name and pronouns, even if it was before my transition; things like "back when you were a guy" should be avoided. For example, "When Michelle was young, what did she enjoy doing?" "Oh, even as a young girl she always loved computers; she started programming when she was about 9." If it causes confusion with someone who knew me pre-transition, an explanation like "Oh, her name was so-and-so at the time, she goes by Michelle and feminine pronouns now" or similar is appropriate.
Is this the same as a "sex change?"
That term has also largely fallen out of use, primarily because it is not accurate. I like to refer to this process as a "gender role transition," which helps highlight what's actually changing: my gender role in society, and that's all.
What is the root cause of gender dysphoria/being trans?
No one's 100% sure; the (actual or perceived) socio-cultural implications of being trans often poison attempts at its scientific study, though many people believe (and there is plenty of medical evidence to support) that there is a biological or physiological component. This was heavily reinforced for me when starting HRT very quickly began to drive away the gender dysphoria I had lived with all my life, relieving me of many of the depression-related symptoms I'd been struggling with.
So are you gay now?
This is a common misconception, although since I'm a woman who is attracted to women, the answer is technically yes. Sex, gender, and sexual attraction are all separate. Being transgender says nothing about your sexual orientation.
Is there anything I should know about interacting with you or others?
For the most part, I just want to be treated like any other woman. I also don't offend easily, and I definitely don't want anyone to feel like they need to be awkward or walk on eggshells around me. I want to interact with you all just as I always have, and I've had the privilege of knowing a lot of you for a long time and have become very close to many of you.
From a high-level, when dealing with other trans people in general, there are a few things that commonly come up:
Where should I look if I want to learn more?
I'm happy to chat and answer any questions, but if you're looking for general information, I recommend Answers to Your Questions About Transgender People, Gender Identity, and Gender Expression.